My mom passed away after not disclosing that she was actually getting very sick last year. She lost her beloved Sheva dog, just recently, so attributed her feeling awful to grief and depression. Turns out that she had ovarian cancer that had spread to her liver and lungs. She deteriorated so fast after having 5 really good years with us, having survived her thyroid wreck in 2019, that we just weren’t prepared for all that happened in less than a week’s time. What we all know is that she lived some of her best life in those 5 years with us.

As one usually goes through the requisite stages of grief when a loved one dies. I am no exception, except that I was already recently upset with her over my unresolved feelings with regards to that damn picture that my lifelong BFF had sent to me, not suspecting how I was going to get so triggered by it. Oh yes I did say the dreaded “T” word. It’s an apt word for situations like this, and I’m glad I finally have the courage to call it what it was.

Therapy, and time are helping me navigate life without my mama. Despite my complicated feelings, I did love her very much. She deserved good things in her life, as do we all, and I tried to do my part in helping her live these best years, because we all deserve good things in our lives. That’s just a simple fact.

One big epiphany occurred to me the weekend we gathered, as I hugged my brother tightly. No, not that brother, my other brother. The one my mom gave up for adoption after giving birth to him at 42 years old. She didn’t give me the option to adopt him. By the time she told me she was pregnant, she and her partner had already made arrangements for the daughter of an old family friend to adopt him, as she was unable to carry children of her own. The adoptive parents insisted on an open adoption (thankfully!) and my brother was aware of his other family while growing up. We wrote back and forth while he was on his mission, and he came to visit us about 10 years ago. In the time between then and now, he married an absolutely wonderful girl, and 7 years into their marriage they had my niece, who is precious and beautiful! They have included me in these aspects of their lives and I couldn’t be more grateful. So that epiphany? I realized during this most cathartic weekend that my mom actually gave me the greatest gift of all. She gave me a brother to love. It wasn’t intentional, but it was still a gift that I cherish and treasure more than just about anything.

On the weekend of May 17, 2025, her kids and her grandkids, and a couple of her very closest friends spread her ashes out where we had spread my brother’s ashes, as well as a little bit of my little sister’s ashes. That place was special to mom and I immediately felt like she was at peace. This was a small ceremonial act, and I think all of us there, felt her soul drift to a happier, healthier place.

I knew she wasn’t at peace before this because she passed away in the one place she just hated the most, the hospital. As I’ve navigated the stages of my grief, I have felt very guilty for making her come to the hospital. I truly believed we had time to get her home, so she could pass in another place she loved, our ranch. I just had no idea that she was so sick, and some of that was on her. It’s been hard for me to accept, but I’m there now. She’s where she belongs, back in Idaho, overlooking a valley and a town she loved, accompanied by my brother, and is likely surrounded by the assorted collection of her beloved critters she shared her life with, over the years. I sent a cosmic message to my brother, letting him know that it was his turn to take care of her now. I sincerely hope they’re catching up on the decades that we lost in losing Mike. Today, 5/27/2025, marks 25 years since I lost my brother, Mike.

She’s at peace, I feel like he’s more at peace than I have in a long time, and as for me? I’m getting there. One day at a time.

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