Back on 11/24/2024, I made a post in my journal. All it said was, “I’m just ricocheting around the corners of my life right now.”
Sometimes, I feel like this ricochet effect just won’t stop. It wakes me at night, and places thoughts in my head. No, not “intrusive” thoughts, just thoughts about all the things the squirrels come up with. I’ve never remembered much of my dreams. When my alarm goes off, or Gracie walks across the bed, or a dog wants to go out, NOW, I wake with the remnants of a dream floating around, but I don’t even acknowledge them. I just go about whatever it is the squirrels are off to in that moment.
From the moment, however, that this ricochet thought came into my head, it’s been doing just that. bouncing off all the things, like a pinball.
Then, I realize that I’ve spent most of my life ricocheting around, not recognizing what was actually going on. This form of trauma response and undiagnosed ADHD can be what makes a young person get married at 18 (I do not recommend, 10/10). This is what allows a girl to have a baby at 19 (another 10/10 do not recommend). Why do I not recommend these things? BECAUSE!!! Because at these ages, we can barely take care of ourselves, much less another small human. Yea yea, I know, lots of people do it and turn out just fine. Many more do not turn.out.fine.
Get back here, 🐿️’s! I have a thought to complete, and the whole teenage marriage/childbearing thing is an entirely different post!
So, this ricochet around behavior is something that I have learned to do as a trauma response and coping mechanism. Not a very good ones either.
In 2011, I determined that I was going to stop behaving like this! I was going to be more deliberate in my actions, my words, and my intentions. This more mindful way of thinking has worked out really well for me. I have far fewer emotional outbursts than I have had in my previous entire life. I’ve been able to manage things well up, until this past year. So many things out of our control happened that I think my brain has done a tilt. I find myself adrift, without goals, and now slipping into this defensive pattern, expecting to go wrong and react accordingly, whether it happens or not. A good friend who mentored me when I was working horses for people observed me riding this young horse and when the horse was about to do something that would need correction, I corrected it! Only…I corrected the behavior before it occurred! Leanne taught me to let these horses make the mistake, so I would be correcting them for an action that actually happened. The connection was made more effectively using this strategy and my work with the horses became more satisfying, as a result.
Here I am in early 2025, finding myself coming to grips with the fact that I’ve become intensely sad, and with that, unmotivated. I could feel the pinball ricocheting around in my mind, banging, dinging, and setting off all the lights and whistles. The squirrels were on the chase, and my brain just wanted to shut down.
If I’m being honest, the previous post I did, on depression, seemed to quiet some of the noise. Maybe for good, maybe for now. Whichever it is, I intend to enjoy the quiet and look to tomorrow with some hope in my heart. I got out of bed at 4:30 this morning and got on my bike again. I don’t even remember when I was last on one of my machines. It seems that everything before January 13th is just a blank at the moment. This will probably pass, and even if it doesn’t, I’m choosing to look forward, not behind me. No matter which is the case, my plan will be to continue tackling this fun part of my life, called menopause, try to get back on the ponies regularly, and work to get fit again. I am not comfortable in this body right now. Another post for yet, another day.
~D.
What Darlene Says... 