Today, I made a choice.

On this first heart rending anniversary of my very good friend’s passing, I have had many feelings, and thoughts running through my hive mind.

One thing about my friend, Michelle, is that she was forgiving (dare I say to a fault?). I’m thankful for this trait because when I finally called her and told her I owed her an apology, she accepted it readily and we agreed to take baby steps forward. We did, and then we took a road trip to an ETS event with our favorite horses. Things were right in the world again. We have both had our faults in the past, but I firmly believe that when a person passes, all sins should just be let go. Focus on the good in that person and let that grow inside of you.

This past summer, I had a front row seat to a grievous chain of choices and events. Because I had a hand in the union, I felt like I had done wrong to one friend and grossly overestimated the character of the other. They have seemed to move past it, taking a while, as would be normal, I think. I did not. I was so disappointed in one person’s actions and choices that it gave me gastric distress even looking at them. It pretty much ruined the time we spent together after that. I didn’t, and still really don’t have the courage (or right) to face that person down. I’ve worked hard to work past it, having apologized for my behavior and trying to figure out why it has all bugged me so much. Suffice it to say, it doesn’t really matter. It wasn’t my knittin’.

I have moved past the grudge holding part of my…grief (?) over the situation and just have become kind of ambivalent about it. My ambivalence, however, has created a chasm that is palpable. I hate that because we were close. I miss that!

Today, on this first anniversary of my friend’s passing, full of thoughts and emotions, it came to me suddenly, kind of like a cluster headache…Let it go. Forgive that person. We’re all human, remember? Reach out to them. Move on. Move forward. LET IT GO.

Ok, Michelle, I’m hearing you. I get it. I’ll make that move and let it all go. Life is short and we all deserve to be happy. Thank you for finally getting the message through. I love you all the more for that.