I had gotten through this week pretty good. My little sister’s birthday was last week, and my brother, Mike’s, birthday was today. The pain is substantially less than it has been since that day, May 27, 2000, when we lost him. I wrote him letters every year on his birthday, as I did Kayley too. I’ve tried to move forward though, and honor them in other ways, living as well as possible, with them on my mind. I was moving the right direction when an old scab got pulled off and poked a few times. I really wanted to react, wanted to be the lesser person, but thanks to a very strong tribe, got talked off the ledge. Then I just felt teary and weepy for part of the day. The tribe of badass women friends I have came together and we carried one another through a strange day.

Mike would have been 50 years old today. I can’t even imagine what he what he would look like today. I see the pictures that come up on my fb memories and he was such a damn cute kid. I have so strongly felt him around me at times, but more these days, I feel like maybe he’s found some peace, some way to move forward himself. I read a few of my old letters to Mike today, and I can just feel the anger I was feeling all through these last 20 years since he’s been gone. I’ve been so angry with him for making a choice for himself that affected us all so much. Today, I wasn’t mad, I was just sad. I’m at work trying to concentrate and the tears just keep sneaking up. The day wore on and my brain wore out. It was so good to get home and eat a meal cooked by my mama. The doggos were happy I was home, and the ponies were up for a scritch’in.

Texted and spoke with some best good friends, the tried and true kind, and felt the pain ease off. Tonight, I feel a little melancholy, but it’s largely passed.

Damn, I miss my siblings, especially when I see others navigating life with and through their siblings. But life is good here, I have no complaints.

I intended to write the third and final chapter of our Tevis adventure tonight, but it didn’t happen. Soon though. I’m just gonna rest now.

In searching for some insight and wisdom tonight, I found this…

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